Cynic Meets Sunshine Podcast
Join us, Andre and Tanisha, a married couple of 26 years, as we share practical advice, honest stories, and plenty of laughs about building a strong and fulfilling relationship. With five kids, three grandkids, and nearly three decades of ups and downs, we’ve learned a lot about love, life, and weathering storms together. Tune in for real talk, relatable insights, and actionable tips to strengthen your own relationships—because nobody’s perfect, but together, we can all get better.
Cynic Meets Sunshine Podcast
Your Partner Can't Read Your Mind: Understanding Unmet Needs
The silent saboteur lurking in most troubled relationships? Unmet needs that create distance, resentment, and eventual disconnection. In this deeply insightful episode, we explore the ten most common relationship blind spots that couples face and provide practical strategies to address them before they become relationship-ending issues.
We start by identifying emotional validation as a foundational need many partners struggle to fulfill. That frustrated feeling of "I don't need you to fix it, I just need you to hear me" resonates with so many listeners who've experienced the disconnect that happens when we're seeking empathy but receiving solutions instead. We also tackle the delicate balance of physical affection without sexual expectations, appreciation for everyday efforts, and the critical importance of shared responsibility in maintaining a healthy partnership.
The conversation takes a vulnerable turn when we share personal examples from our own relationship, including how mismatched communication styles created tension around feedback and affirmation. These real-world examples illuminate how even strong relationships require continuous effort to ensure both partners feel emotionally safe, sexually fulfilled, and genuinely seen. We don't shy away from discussing how neglected sexual needs can quickly cascade into other relationship problems, or how misalignment on core values creates fundamental instability.
Our most powerful tool for addressing these potential relationship killers? The relationship health check. Just as you wouldn't skip your annual physical exam, regular check-ins with your partner prevent small issues from becoming relationship-threatening problems. We outline exactly how to initiate these conversations, including specific questions to ask and how to create the psychological safety needed for honest answers. The key is approaching these discussions with genuine curiosity, treating feedback as valuable data rather than criticism.
Ready to strengthen your relationship by identifying and addressing unmet needs? This episode provides the roadmap to deeper connection, mutual understanding, and a partnership where both people feel fulfilled and valued. Your relationship deserves this level of intentional care - tune in now and take the first step toward ensuring your love tank stays full.
Welcome everybody. Welcome back to Cynic Meets Sunshine. We're your hosts. My name is Andre and this is my beautiful wife, tanisha. Hey, today we are going to talk to you about unmet needs what happens when you have unmet needs in a relationship. We're also going to give you a means to combat that, so those unmet needs don't turn into disaster.
Speaker 2:Right, resentment, disaster, disconnect, all of the above.
Speaker 1:But before we get into that, what we got going on, let's see here A lot. Been two weeks since we had an episode.
Speaker 2:Yeah, We've got sports in full swing with our son and we thought it would be a good idea to sign him up for another one. Yeah, the second league awesome we were like at the end of school for them. So a lot of activities and things going on with the kids been like 19 days left of the school year.
Speaker 1:That's awesome.
Speaker 2:20 days been busy at work for you work gym yeah, work's always, always busy yeah it's been a busy time of year for me too. So after your first, competition.
Speaker 1:Yeah, speaking of grind. So after your first competition, yeah, speaking of grind time after your first competition. Now you are what, four weeks out from Miami Pro Four weeks out from Miami Pro.
Speaker 2:We went back into prep. Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1:Grinding it out Looking awesome.
Speaker 2:We're going to come back much better.
Speaker 1:Conditioning.
Speaker 2:Conditioning will be there.
Speaker 1:Stage presence. Stage presence. We're going, gonna remember where we're at. I think that I got the jitters.
Speaker 2:I think I got the jitters out, that little stage fright kicked in and kind of threw me off. So I'm excited to go out there and get a chance to do it all again. Should be fun.
Speaker 1:I'm excited kids are going with this this time, so it should be fun. It's like a. It's not just your regular competition. This one is a full expo where they're going to have wrestling powerlifting jiu-jitsu they have boxing Like salsa.
Speaker 2:It's Miami. Yeah, I didn't see that. Lots of things.
Speaker 1:Kids are excited it's the official start of their summer. They're getting out early a few days from school just to go do this and then not coming back to school the next week because it's over and they don't do anything at the end anyway.
Speaker 2:Back to school the next week because it's over and they don't do anything at the end anyway.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they love this kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:They've actually, like the little two have grown up around this. Since they were itty bitty, this has just been like a part of their life, so they enjoy coming to these things.
Speaker 1:I was just looking at a picture on social media of a memory that popped up and they were itty bitty, just at a show at our first show in. Galveston and just itty bitty. It was awesome.
Speaker 2:Yeah, little Andre has actually been on stage with Big Andre before. Very cool experience. He was on stage with you too. We were on stage, all three of us together. Yeah, that's right, he got his award and his little trophy for helping out.
Speaker 1:That was awesome.
Speaker 2:That was really awesome, good stuff All right.
Speaker 1:Unmet needs the silent saboteur. Definitely, that's what we're calling the segment in case you didn't know, I saw that you like that. I saw that.
Speaker 2:We were talking about this earlier how to identify them. Sometimes we feel like something's lacking in our relationship, but we can't always express it or articulate it. Sometimes we can't even put our finger on it exactly or identify what those unmet needs are, but it's causing us to have some resentment towards our partner or creating some distance in the relationship. So we thought it would be a good idea to kind of go over some unmet needs that we think are pretty common.
Speaker 1:So there are 10 of them. So bear with us, but we're going to go over the very first one, yeah they were good ones. Emotional validation. We're going to go over the very first one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they were good ones. Emotional validation All right.
Speaker 1:So what this looks like yeah, what this looks like if it's unmet is I don't need you to fix it, I need you to just hear me. This is very common. We hear couples are always talking about I came to you with a problem. Or you came to me with a problem and you wanted to tell me about the problem and just listen and understand with you and connect with you emotionally. But what I'm hearing are all these problems and all these possible solutions. So I've got. By the time you're finished talking, I'm like all right, so here's what you're going to do Sit down, get your pen and pad out and this is what we're going to do to fix your problem, because I'm a fixer, so that's where we go with that and that's not what you're looking for. You literally just want me to listen support.
Speaker 2:Hug, hug you. You got this. It's going to be okay. Yeah, definitely. That is also goes back to like what we've spoke on in different episodes about like love languages and understanding your partner, how they receive love and what their needs are and maybe in that situation you don't even have to guess, you can just straight out ask okay, do you want a solution here, do you just need some support?
Speaker 1:Like are you just wanting me here for you, that's great.
Speaker 2:And if you say that, in an understanding way, not a sarcastic way, like well, what do you want me to do? Not that, but just being very loving. I think you can identify, because I actually sometimes might want a solution from you. You give really good advice. So sometimes I might be coming for the solution. Okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, no, that's, that's good advice.
Speaker 2:So say someone in a relationship that is one of their unmet needs. In this case, what can that lead to in the relationship?
Speaker 1:Well, if that need goes unmet, If you come to me and you're telling me about your awful day and what you needed from me was to listen, to hug you, to tell you everything's going to be okay, and what you ended up receiving from me was a laundry list of things you need to do to fix it so you don't end up in that situation again, you're going to come away feeling like I didn't hear anything you said. You're going to come away also feeling like I didn't hear anything you said. You're gonna come away also feeling like I I'm not connected to you. We're not, we're not there, we're not in sync, we're not on the same page, and when you leave and I can see that you're dissatisfied, that you're not happy with my response, I'm gonna feel like whoa, why did I even give you that all that great?
Speaker 1:advice unappreciated number, sure yeah number two is affection without an agenda. So love what it looks like unmet is. I want to be hugged, not groped. How many of us have heard that before, not to say you don't want to be groped, you like being groped, you just don't want to always be groped. Sometimes you'll say I just want a hug from you and I'm like, yeah, come and get your hug.
Speaker 2:It's like no, I don't want you to come and like, smack me or try to do stuff get the smack, the booty. It's like all of that is fun at times, but sometimes a partner wants to just be held. Sometimes they just want that connection of holding your hand, hugging and holding each other, you know, during a movie or something like that, something with no agenda, that's just loving.
Speaker 1:Why.
Speaker 2:I think that it creates an emotional bond and closeness and it makes you feel even closer if it's not just constantly like a physical need that gives you satisfaction and me satisfaction and gratification, but it's literally just. I just want to be in your presence, I just want to hold you.
Speaker 1:You just want to be close to you. I just want to be in your presence. I just want to hold you. You just want to be close to you. I just want to be close to you. That does not necessarily mean Exactly, okay, exactly.
Speaker 2:And how that can lead to disconnect is you know, if every touch is tied to sex chores, your partner may start pulling away physically or emotionally, because they're like look, they literally might be feeling like just an object.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they literally might be feeling like just an object. Yeah, it's going to leave a hole. Yeah, the sex is there, but when it comes to just that physical intimacy, that is not sex. That's lacking, it's missing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in a relationship you need to have all those things. Even in a good, healthy sex life there's times when our sex is just like fun and playful and then there's times that it's very close and intimate and I think that you need to have all of that, to have all of the feelings and to have all of the connection and have all of that closeness.
Speaker 1:When you say that, that brought me back to how, when it's our birthday time and anniversaries and when we time to go in card shopping, and I'm in HEB in the local grocery store and I'm looking for cards, and we'll go through seasons where we're all about funny no feeling we're all about funny, and then sometimes we're I'm in the the grocery aisle crying because this car, I'm looking for that one car that hits home, because we're emotionally just in sync right there yeah, and it's funny because it seems that we're usually in sync with that as well, like on the year that we both feel emotional.
Speaker 2:It's funny because we both bring that kind of card. Okay, so that one number two was affection without agenda. I think that's an important aspect to a relationship and can be a common, unmet need for some men and women in relationships.
Speaker 1:All right. Well, number three is appreciation and acknowledgement. What this looks like unmet is I'm doing so much. Why does it feel like no one is noticing? So this is common. I remember this early on, when the bigger girls were young and I was out working. I would come home and I was going to school doing night school and I didn't have a lot of time to help around, so a lot was falling on you when it comes to the house. So I remember this was a complaint or an unmet need that you had. Hey, I'm not asking you to do all of this, because I know you have a lot to do on your own, but at least acknowledge all that I'm doing because I feel like it's unseen.
Speaker 2:I think this is a really big one. I think men and women need to feel appreciated in their relationships. I don't think we do things for appreciation. I know I don't do the day-to-day things that I'm doing so that Andre will acknowledge me or pat me on the back. However, after a lot of time you're holding it down for your partner. I think we all want to know that our partner does see that and does appreciate it and doesn't take it for partner. I think we all want to know that our partner does see that and does appreciate it and doesn't take it for granted.
Speaker 2:I think that's pretty natural and also as a partner, I always think that you should double back to what your partner needs as well. So if I'm needing to feel appreciated and validated in the relationship, I will always ask myself am I showing you appreciation and validation for all the things that you're doing as well? So I try to always acknowledge all that you do and show you and let you feel and see that you're appreciated, because the things that we do in relationships as couples, you all have a lot of balls in the air, I'm sure, and a lot of things you have to juggle. So it's really important to acknowledge that that's not just day-to-day normal getting it done. It's something that your partner is putting effort in to make sure that those balls stay in the air and they don't fall. And we should take a minute to be like, hey, I really appreciate what you're doing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good, because if you don't, what might that lead to? It'll lead to resentment. You're resentful for me not seeing acknowledging, appreciating all the work that you've done. And not only will it lead to resentment, you'll probably stop doing some of it because you're like what am I doing it for?
Speaker 2:I think it kind of fuels you when your partner shows appreciation. Like you know, this isn't going unnoticed and I'm just going to keep on. This isn't always easy, but I'm going to keep on because, you know, my partner sees me. We're in this together, they appreciate me, they know that I'm working hard and let's keep at it.
Speaker 1:All right. Number four is shared responsibility. What this looks like, unmet, is I need a partner, not another child or not another supervisor, not another father, not another parent. Good, let's turn on that one, because I'm your daddy, so I don't really have anything to say, yeah, you definitely try to be the daddy. We share responsibility, but we do share responsibility.
Speaker 2:You are really great there. I don't have any complaints as far as sharing responsibility. You have always been great as far as sharing responsibility with the kids, everything. I don't ever feel like everything has fallen on me. However, I do know a lot of relationships that are out of balance there, where one partner really, really takes on a bulk of the load and that starts to feel after a while like just you get to a breaking point. I know women who will say things like I feel like a single parent. I know that irks you because you're like a single parent you're working a job.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, I know you're like okay absolutely not, but I think what they're saying is not monetarily, not in that sense, but it's like just because you provide doesn't mean that you don't come home and still need to play a role as a parent. So shared responsibility is huge. That can cause a big disconnect when one person has to carry the mental and emotional load yes, if they do, then the partnership is gonna break down.
Speaker 1:That's one of the reasons people get in relationships. They get married is is because two are better than one. So who wants to go back to just one, where I'm doing everything?
Speaker 2:like what we always say we're better together you really are. You can accomplish more as a couple if you approach it as a partner number five is emotional safety.
Speaker 1:How this looks unmet is. I don't feel safe bringing this up because if I do, you're going to blow up, or if I do, you're going to shut down.
Speaker 2:At one point for us I think was an issue Watch it. I think at times I'll be nervous sometimes to come to you with something because you are a little bit less patient and you will go in if something rubs you the wrong way.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So I will be like okay, how do I want to word this? Because I have really had to improve my communication skills, yes, and put my thoughts together, because I will just come with like wearing my heart on my sleeve and not really have all of my points together and Andre is very much like an organized communicator on my sleeve and not really have all of my points together and Andre is very much like an organized communicator. So you got to have your stuff together.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I've learned.
Speaker 2:I've learned that and I think you have to. You've grown too so you are more patient now and I think, like I tell you guys all the time, this podcast has been our relationship therapy because it's it shines light on areas where we can improve and definitely I think it has increased your patience.
Speaker 1:It does.
Speaker 2:And your awareness when you're communicating with me 100%, so that was like something that I think we dealt with here and there. I wouldn't say as a whole, because emotionally I do feel safe with you, but there are some times where it's like I want to have a conversation but I'm like I don't know if I want any trauma.
Speaker 1:So if someone in a relationship cannot go to their partner because they're worried about the backlash, where's that going to lead? What is that?
Speaker 2:So that will lead to a breakdown in communication. They'll just eventually stop coming to you If they feel like you are going to flip out every time they tell you something. They're going to stop telling you things and then there's going to be a major disconnect in the relationship and there's going to be a pull away. So my advice is, if your partner wants to come to you, like, really take a minute, try to shut down that initial response of defensiveness and just listen with an open mind, Not to harp on number five, emotional safety.
Speaker 1:but I do think there's something to be said for preparing the package that you're going to give to someone and not just throwing them crap at the right time, right time in the right tone. There's lots of ways that you can. You can package something, so it's going to be more likely to be received.
Speaker 2:I totally agree. I think even I'm guilty of this in our relationship where you want to bring something to me, but I'm a very emotional person and I get my feelings hurt easily and you really just want to share something with me, but I'll immediately get in my feelings, so that's something that I've had to learn. So you can be emotionally safe is for me to like not always wear my heart on my sleeve, but just hear you out and then go from there.
Speaker 1:These are unmet needs. So I think you should think about it, as this is data your person is bringing to you, not necessarily their emotions. They're bringing you data. Take that data in, analyze it and then see what we can do.
Speaker 2:See, that's how your brain operates. Here's the data. Mine is like all the feelings, so it's very interesting to hear you say that. That is why I think it's kind of funny when you have people whose personalities are like ours, where they're a little bit opposite, and you have, over the years, I think you've become a little more emotional and I've become a little more analytical, yeah, and so it's funny to hear you say that, so other people can kind of apply that, take it as data.
Speaker 1:this is what you're just saying don't take it personal, connected to what I said just the data will help you.
Speaker 2:yes, all right, all right Number six is sexual fulfillment. Yeah, sex should definitely not feel like a chore and it should definitely create bonding and closeness.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what this looks like unmet is. One person is never having orgasms.
Speaker 2:Oh, one person is never one person.
Speaker 1:One person is, is, is always, is always going to bed Doesn't compute. Yeah, is always going to bed unhappy Doesn't compute. Yeah, one person is always feeling like they need to go take a cold shower or they need to go do whatever.
Speaker 2:That's just selfish. Yeah, it is selfish, that's just selfish. That will have you looking at your partner like, okay, if that happens time to time, like whatever, no big deal, acknowledge it, got you next time, or whatever. If this is a continued issue in your relationship, you're going to have to ask yourself, like, am I being selfish Because you should find a solution together? Like, hey, or is it something emotional and mental? Why isn't your partner?
Speaker 1:sexually? Yeah. Is it hormonal? Do you need to go get a panel? Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2:but explore it together and don't make them feel alone, like that's definitely you're in that together, um, and there should be fulfillment there, for both parties that is. I mean, I don't know, it's kind of fundamental elementary just yes, yes, okay, I think, even though if it's something that we can't relate to, personally, I think that that is a common unmet need are you meaning like, if you want to have it once a week, and you're just fine, and I'm like, yeah, six days is fine, I can give you one, I think this is a really common unmet need where there's a man in a relationship who feels like they're not having enough physical intimacy or I know plenty of women who feel like they are not getting enough physical intimacy in their relationship and, to be honest, this is really hurtful to a woman's self-esteem.
Speaker 2:You want to feel wanted by your partner and you want to feel desired. You also, no matter how long you've been together, you want to feel sought after, like I love, how you, you know, are always kind of coming for me. That's what a partner wants to feel, like their partner desires them. You know that's a very important feeling for a woman and a man to have in a relationship and it creates a tighter bond and you're going to end up having more fun. So this is something that definitely will have to be addressed. That's a major unmet need.
Speaker 1:It is a major unmet need. It probably should be top of the list.
Speaker 2:Yeah, top of the list Because, if this is, you disconnect physically from a relationship.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's all it takes. I think if sexual fulfillment is your unmet need and that is allowed to fester for any lengthy period of time, that's going to allow other areas, all the other topics that we Disconnects to creep in those disconnects are going to start happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's just going to deteriorate, and I like how you said for any long period of time, because of course, there's things that happen in life Babies, you know surgeries there's things where it's like, look, it's going to be a minute or I need a physical break. Those are obviously exceptions, yes, but this should not be a constant in your relationship.
Speaker 1:Okay, enough about sexual fulfillment. Take care of that. If that's your issue, go, please, by all means take care of your partner Take care of yourself and your partner.
Speaker 2:Yourself and your partner. What was the all of the benefits of your men orgasm? Prostate cancer yes, yes, you have a lighter menstrual period. I don't know.
Speaker 1:It's science All right Number seven time and attention. This is also big. You're with me, but your mind's not with me. You're not here. Yeah, that's that's what it looks like, See me. Don't just be next to me on your phone.
Speaker 2:Like we could literally be out, you know for a walk and you're on your phone, or whatever. No, take a minute and be here with me. Time and attention is huge. It makes your person feel important or valued.
Speaker 1:That's what it is right there.
Speaker 2:But if your partner is continually feeling ignored and when you are not giving them time and attention, you're essentially telling them you know how actions speak louder than words. You're essentially telling them you're not a priority and you're not the most important.
Speaker 1:We've heard this a lot of times, where so-and-so wasn't giving me attention and then this other person came along that was giving me.
Speaker 2:What do you think about that? Do you think that's a valid reason for someone to cheat?
Speaker 1:It's a reason people cheat. It is not a justifiable reason, but it is a reason people cheat.
Speaker 2:It is your responsibility in a relationship to voice an unmet need.
Speaker 1:Number eight is support during stress. What this looks like, unmet when I'm overwhelmed, I need you to lean in and help out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Take some of the stress off. That should kind of go without saying.
Speaker 1:If this goes on, what it leads to, like many of the others, is just resentment. Last month was ridiculous. With all the things I had. I felt you didn't really help out and you added to it. Yeah, maybe not even you added to it, but if you just didn't help, your person is supposed to be there to help you out, to pull you out when you're in a little rut.
Speaker 2:I agree, and if you don't notice that your partner is in a rut or needing help?
Speaker 1:that's a big problem too.
Speaker 2:Because you really should notice what's going on and be paying attention. So one thing I know that we'll do is be like is there any way I can help you right now?
Speaker 1:Yes, what can I do? I love hearing that, Even when I don't have an answer to that question. I love just hearing that you are looking for ways to take some of the load off me. That is very. It makes me happy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you feel supported immediately to know like, even if I don't know at this moment my partner's got me.
Speaker 1:I'm not by myself. I have a support. Number nine is alignment on goals and value. Okay, so what this looks like unmet is. I feel like we're rowing in different directions.
Speaker 2:Being on the same page is huge, right. When it comes to goals and values, that's kind of huge. Those are, like your, your main things, things, your life goals, your values these are. These are big things that you do need to be in sync with. It's like you might even have money goals right. Like. You really want to save because you want to purchase a new home for you and your family, but your partner spends the money faster than you can make it.
Speaker 1:It's like this is.
Speaker 2:These things can cause cause huge conflict in the relationship, not being in the same page there Lifestyle, parenting, faith.
Speaker 1:Definitely I can't even imagine. With that.
Speaker 2:I cannot either.
Speaker 1:Yeah they're all hard, but those are some pretty difficult. If you're not in alignment on those, that's going to lead to breakdown in the relationship.
Speaker 2:So, even if you do not have the exact same ideas and the exact same goals and values, you can communicate and try to come to a compromise. Happy mediums is key.
Speaker 1:It's communicate but more than communicate, you have to communicate and then be able to come to a compromise, because if you're not in sync on those things money, family, lifestyle- religion faith. If you're not in sync as a couple in those areas there's going to have to be compromise.
Speaker 2:Someone's compromised. Yeah, there's going to have to be, especially with goals.
Speaker 1:All right and last but not least, fun joy and laughter. What this looks like, unmet, is we're so serious all the time I miss the fun us.
Speaker 2:This seems small, but it's huge. You end up having kids or you don't have kids. Whatever it is, it's like your day-to-day responsibilities. It's like now we've got our schedule and our day-to-day things that we have to get done, which are essential, but have you let that take over, where it's literally just like a Monday through Friday grind and it's like where is the fun? These things are really, really important so that a relationship doesn't get stagnant.
Speaker 1:Yes, so one thing I think of when I hear this is early on in the relationship, are those fun times because everything's new and it's fresh and it's exciting and it's vibrant. And then, as time goes on, a lot of those things are going to subside a little bit.
Speaker 2:Of course, when you're dating, everything's fun and new. But when you are in a life routine, like, we literally have our Monday through Friday schedule with the kids and the things we have to do, but we do make it fun. It's like getting in the kitchen and making breakfast and being silly, cracking jokes on each other, or when we go to the gym and you like, we're working in two totally different parts of the gym. He's got his stuff he's working on, I have mine. But it's like we always make a minute to like meet up. We might crack jokes, we might be silly, we might be playful, we might be affectionate, but we're keeping it fun.
Speaker 2:You can find ways in your day-day mundane schedule to still have some fun.
Speaker 1:So what does it look like? If this is someone's unmet need that, the fun is gone.
Speaker 2:That can cause them to kind of withdraw, that can cause them to seek attention and validation elsewhere.
Speaker 1:I mean- Seek fun elsewhere.
Speaker 2:Seek fun elsewhere.
Speaker 1:So one thing I do know is life is short. You don't want to spend year after year after year feeling like I am not having fun, I'm not enjoying my life. That is a sad existence. I agree, so I would suggest that you have to get out and enjoy yourself. What?
Speaker 2:sparks your joy. Life is too short for you not to be finding joy in day-to-day things that you're doing. That really is a choice too.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, that is a choice because you can just be getting caught up in your routine and if that is an unmet need for you, I do suggest kind of initiating that. Yeah, top 10 unmet needs, yeah, some really common unmet needs, just to kind of help, you know, spark your brain. If you're having trouble articulating what your unmet needs might be, you might be struggling with one of these of these. If you do feel that you have unmet needs in your relationship, we want to discuss how you can address it, how you can fix it, how you can even prevent. It is something we call health check. What is a relationship health check?
Speaker 1:Think of it like a physical. You go in for our yearly physical at the doctor's right. Just finished doing mine by the way. Get those prostates checked Like a physical, where you go in and you assess the state of your relationship. That's all it really is. It's a formal or informal. You did one today at the gym with me and where we kind of stopped and interrupted my workout and we had to address a certain thing in our relationship. But it's a check-in.
Speaker 2:These should be done pretty frequently, like a certain thing in our relationship, but it's a check-in. These should be done pretty frequently, like you know, not necessarily weekly, that might be a little overkill, but every two weeks check in with your partner and be like you know how are you feeling Literally, are you feeling okay, are you feeling appreciated, or even let them know some of these unmet needs. Yes, I really feel it is our own personal responsibility to voice our needs. Our partners are not psychic even though Andre and I are connected.
Speaker 2:even though he knows me and he can almost always tell when something is off with me, he still cannot read my mind and know exactly what it is that's bothering me. So if I want it to be better, I need to voice it. So that is your responsibility to speak up to your partner and let them know what your unmet need is and also, as I will always say, check yourself, because are you meeting that need for them?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's something you started doing later on in our marriage, but I sure do appreciate it. That self assessment, it's really good. I know I mean I'm not being I'm just a little bit being sarcastic, but I am. I do really appreciate it because it's it's. I do it too as well now. Self-evaluate Okay, before I bring this to her, how am I in this area? So that's good. I just wanted to call that out.
Speaker 2:Thank you. I am big on personal growth and just getting better in all aspects as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, as a businesswoman, as a coach. I think that you are forever learning. I don't think there's ever a time in my life where I will stop learning and being able to be better?
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, that's good. So, speaking of relationship health checks, we had one the other day when you were doing pictures for a coach and you sent them to him. And then you sent them to me and you asked, hey, what do you think? And so I gave you my thoughts. I could tell something was off and I was like, okay, she didn't like something. I said it took you a minute. But then you came over and you said, hey, you might have to help out. What were you talking about?
Speaker 2:How you tend to critique with no acknowledgement of like the hard work or the actual? Change. Like you, instead of noticing change over all the weeks and how much digging went into it, you will immediately go into what needs to be better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the analytical in me, what you needed in that moment. It's a trend for me, it's just, it's how I'm made up you said you notice you do this with our son.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do it with our son in football.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you needed me to say, oh, I love this about you and look at, I'm so proud of you. That's I'm so proud of you, what you really wanted to hear, and I know you've been working hard, and then maybe go into the okay, we need to work on this. You need to. Are you doing this? Why does this not look like it's improving?
Speaker 2:yeah, because it's like you're grinding it out and it's really difficult and you're like barely hanging on so it's like the one person who's your partner, because nobody else is really in this with me.
Speaker 2:I mean, I've got definitely a village and a support system, but nobody's in this with me. I mean I've got definitely a village and a support system, but nobody's in this with me, like you are, and that is the person that you need to, who you want to acknowledge and see you and be like I. I, I see what these other people don't see.
Speaker 1:I see what they don't see. That's what I saw Speaking of self-reflection. That is something I'm working on with my, with my son, when he's I'm at football practice, I'm working on with my son. I'm at football practice with him.
Speaker 2:I mean, he's my son too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, with my son. So I'll be at football practice with him and I'm watching him for the whole hour and a half do football practice, and so when he comes back he's dead tired. We get in the car and the first thing I say to him, this was the last season, the last two seasons. The first thing I say to him are the laundry list of things I want him to work on.
Speaker 2:Okay you were in your back pedal. You need to, you know. Do x, y and z, even though he was a rock star at the game. You are taking too long to turn your hips.
Speaker 1:We need to work on turning your hips and maybe five minutes into the drive I turn and I look at him and I realize he's shut down. He's not talking. When you came to the car from practice he was excited to chopping it up with his friends, but he's now shut down. He's just sitting there and I flashed back, which was my same response.
Speaker 1:Yes, it was your exact same response. So I had some self-reflection there. That probably came from my father, because I heard maybe three times and I can probably count the three times. Once when I graduated high school, my dad told me I'm proud of you. It just wasn't something that was said a lot, not that he didn't feel that way, but I think I didn't hear it a lot. So maybe that's how I am now.
Speaker 2:He was very old school, though, your dad.
Speaker 1:I am wired to. These are the things we need to fix, because I want him to get better. Not because I don't love him, because I'm harsh, because I want him to get better.
Speaker 2:But how, andre, our son, receives things? And how I receive things and our needs as a person are different than the way you operate, so how you are self reflecting? And acknowledging that is huge, the fact that you acknowledge that right there at the gym and you could tell that I was off or you saw that Andre had shut down. Those are really important things because that can help you shift that behavior.
Speaker 1:I'm noticing all the things that he does good, and I noticed them before. I just wouldn't. They wouldn't be on the top of my list to call out because he's doing great in those things. Keep doing great. These are the things that we need to do to elevate you, so I need to shift and bring some of those things over here. Let them know. I see them. I'm proud of him. Keep doing those. Oh, and, by the way, we can start working on this too, to make you better.
Speaker 2:That I will tell you. For a person like Andre and I and maybe some of you can relate that will push us further than how you approached it Because for me. It gives me the drive to like dig the rest of this out. Okay, I got it. And my person has my back and he sees me and he's like all right, I see what you've done, now let's do even more. And the same for Andre. He is very much driven by that, Like he. He needs the, those affirmations as well.
Speaker 1:That is knowing our love language of affirmation.
Speaker 2:So I think, um, that is really really great to hear what you're saying. As far as self-reflection and noticing that, and that's part of a relationship health check, father-son relationship, husband and wife relationship that is a need that had to be expressed and we were addressing it and we're trying to resolve it and I will now, once a week, I will tell you.
Speaker 1:I'm so proud.
Speaker 2:Felt what heartfelt. Not wrong dude.
Speaker 1:Why I'm proud of you and for Andre as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I noticed that now I didn't want to do that, so this is the whole point of it, you guys, is that you your partner if you're open to hearing each other and communicating. This is the whole point of the health check. Is he acknowledged something that he could improve in? I acknowledge things I can improve in, and this helps our relationship stay tight.
Speaker 2:This helps us stay strong and continue to grow. So what do you suggest for the men? Ok, so it's they're feeling an unmet need or they're noticing their partner is often maybe they're suspecting there's some unmet needs. How do you think is a good way if they've never done a health check?
Speaker 1:oh, okay, in the relationship, what do you think is a good way to? We're giving it a formal name and you, you mentioned every two weeks that we're not doing it at any frequency and it's, it's, it doesn't. You don't have to call it a relationship health check, but literally, you are just at the right time and place. You are sitting down and you're asking your partner hey, how are you feeling with our intimacy? How are you feeling with our connection right now? How are you feeling with my ability to talk to you in your love language?
Speaker 2:It's that simple. That is really simple.
Speaker 1:That part is simple, and then you have to listen to what they're saying and just receive it.
Speaker 2:Hear it as data, not emotions, though, yeah, I think, hearing what you just said from my perspective, Am I about to have a relationship health check right now?
Speaker 2:No, but from my perspective, if you want to go ahead and start this health check. I do also suggest and you can tell me if you disagree I also suggest that you preface it with instead of just saying hey, are you good with our intimacy? Immediately, for me I'd be like why are you? Is everything okay? This makes some women like myself. Our mind starts going and I'm thinking what brought this up? Is everything okay? Is he okay, okay, okay. So I do suggest that you preface it with like hey, you could say or not say, you've been listening to a podcast.
Speaker 2:Like you know, I've been listening to this podcast but I do suggest that you preface it with like hey, I've been listening to some relationship podcasts and you know I want us to be in a really good place and I want to make sure that your needs are met and my needs are met, and so I thought this might be a good time to come to you and just kind of check in and see like are you feeling good with everything? And I like how you said specifics, am I speaking to you in your love language or would you prefer this? So I think, like he said, it's really simple. You don't have to make it harder than it is. But I do think you preface it with hey, I want to be sure that our relationship is healthy and I want to talk to you about this. When someone hears that they're open, if you start with like hey, do you think our sex life is okay? They're immediately like wait.
Speaker 1:I didn't do sex life. Okay, hold on, hold on Okay, wait.
Speaker 2:Catch all my calls, yeah, so what's going on here, because this immediately makes our minds start running.
Speaker 1:No, I agree that is great advice, so preface it with. I want our relationship to get better.
Speaker 2:I want us to be better. I want us to continue to grow that immediately. My heart is open.
Speaker 1:Okay, anything else we need to talk about? Relationship health checks, know time whenever the need arises, whether it be in the middle of your husband's chest day on a Friday Noted.
Speaker 2:Noted. Whatever, just lay it out there, just lay it out there, but find the right time and place. Find the right time and place. I agree, Find the right time and place. Not like me. And I do suggest, even though he said there's no set frequency or anything do not let any extended period of time go by because you could be totally off and there are some unmet needs. So I say I mean, at least once a month, try and just check in with your partner, and it doesn't have to be like on the 6th.
Speaker 1:It doesn't have to be scheduled.
Speaker 2:It doesn't have to be scheduled. Yes, but pay attention. If any of you are dealing with unmet needs. We hope that this kind of helps you discuss them, gives you a way to present it to your partner and we hope you find this helpful and, if you did, please like share, subscribe if you know somebody that you think can benefit from today's episode share yes, please do so.
Speaker 1:All right, well, until next. We have no clue what we're going to talk about.
Speaker 2:We really don't, then you will know or message us and let us know what you want us to talk about.
Speaker 1:That'll work All right Until next time. You guys have a good day.
Speaker 2:Bye, good job.
