Cynic Meets Sunshine Podcast
Join us, Andre and Tanisha, a married couple of 26 years, as we share practical advice, honest stories, and plenty of laughs about building a strong and fulfilling relationship. With five kids, three grandkids, and nearly three decades of ups and downs, we’ve learned a lot about love, life, and weathering storms together. Tune in for real talk, relatable insights, and actionable tips to strengthen your own relationships—because nobody’s perfect, but together, we can all get better.
Cynic Meets Sunshine Podcast
Fighting Fair: Transforming Conflict into Connection in Love and Life
Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, wishing for a better way to communicate and connect? Join us, Andre and Tanisha, as we unravel the art of fighting fair and turning conflicts into stepping stones for growth in our latest episode of Cynic Meets Sunshine. From the transition of setting up our home studio to navigating the stormy seas of relationship conflicts, we're sharing our personal journey and the transformative tools that have strengthened our partnership. Tanisha also offers a peek into her rigorous prep for her Pro Debut in the IFBB Professional League Wellness Division in Las Vegas.
Relationships are as unique as fingerprints, shaped by our backgrounds and experiences. This episode is a heartfelt exploration of how our different upbringings have influenced our responses to conflict and communication. We reflect on how therapy and self-awareness helped us evolve from impulsive disagreements to mature discussions. Tanisha opens up about her challenging past, including her emancipation at 15, revealing how these experiences have impacted our relationship dynamics and fueled her desire for quick conflict resolution. Our candid stories emphasize the importance of understanding your own emotional triggers to nurture healthier and more resilient connections.
We’re diving into practical communication strategies to enhance your relationship toolkit. Discover the power of curiosity in conversations, the calming effect of a pause, and the transformative impact of "I" statements. With insights drawn from our personal experiences and previous discussions, this episode is a treasure trove of advice, whether you're looking to reinforce your bond or navigate the challenges of busy lives. Tune in for a conversation filled with actionable tips and heartfelt stories, aimed at helping you foster deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Welcome to episode number two of Cynic Mix Sunshine. I'm Andre, my beautiful wife, tanisha hey, and we Mix Sunshine. I'm Andre, this is my beautiful wife, tanisha hey, and we're back. We made it Number two. Yeah, number two. It's a little different. You might notice why.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it looks a little different. We did our first recording in a studio that we rented. That was awesome, while we were getting set up here at home and, just, you know, getting our mics and camera and things in place. So bear with us as we're like figuring this all out. This is brand new to us. Yes, um, but we're excited to set up the studio here at home and be able to just come have a conversation on the couch and you know we've got a big family.
Speaker 2:So break away for a minute and we can just come in here and do our podcast.
Speaker 1:The plan was always to have a home studio and do this. That was just a way to give us a little while to set up and get ready for me to brush off some skills.
Speaker 2:Editing. Yeah, and it's been a minute since I've done all that. Yeah, we're ready. We have no major growing pains yet. Yeah, not yet you know you guys have been patient with us as we like figure it out audio and all this different stuff so we're trying to make sure it comes through nice and clear so it's easy to listen to. Yes, um.
Speaker 1:So what did we talk about last week?
Speaker 2:well, we introduced ourselves. It was our introduction.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we did introduction and we talked about our top three ingredients needed to divorce-proof your marriage. Hopefully that was useful to you guys.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so today we are going to talk about conflict and connection and how to fight fair.
Speaker 1:And come out stronger.
Speaker 2:For sure. I mean every relationship is going to have conflict. So, we feel like it's a really great topic to dive in on.
Speaker 1:Yes, Communication conflict resolution those are those are some pillars, right.
Speaker 2:I mean, if you can't get those down, how will your relationship flourish or grow? It's like you've got to be able to communicate with one another and you need to be able to fight fair and you need to stay connected, because conflict can really break people down, drive a wedge between you, yes, and you know, have you building walls.
Speaker 1:So we want to help and give tools for you to fight fair and to come together, yeah, and have a resolution yep, speaking of tools, stay tuned because later in the episode, we're going to be giving you some practical tools and tips that you can use in your next knock-down, drag-out fight, which hopefully there isn't any, but if you have them, you should use these practical tools.
Speaker 2:We've been using them and they've definitely helped. Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1:So how are you doing? And they've definitely helped. Yeah, I agree. So how are you doing Tanisha? She's getting ready to do her pro debut IFBB Professional League. She is going to do her pro debut at the Samson Showdown March 29th in Las Vegas, nevada. We are excited. She is five weeks out.
Speaker 2:How are you feeling, yeah, this weekend, five weeks out, I feel pretty good, like overall energy is good, mood is good. I mean I weeks out how you feeling yeah, this weekend, five weeks out, I feel pretty good, like overall energy is good, mood is good. I mean I need to go do cardio after this yeah, and I'm counting my meals because I'm definitely, like you know, on the hungrier side, but I'm excited.
Speaker 2:It's definitely worth it and seeing the changes is making me excited and honestly, a lot of changes real quick, some might even think too quick.
Speaker 1:Actually, what did you drop just this month? Eight pounds, eight pounds, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this month was kind of drastic, but it was like going from super high calories, very low cardio to like really kicking it into gear and my body just is responding really well. So we're doing actually several cheat meals already.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know, refeeds Must be nice.
Speaker 2:But I'm excited. I can't wait Like this will be such a fun experience. This will be my first time going on stage as an IFBB pro and I feel really excited about it.
Speaker 1:I'm excited I get to join my man in the league. Yeah, Las Vegas is going to be fun. It's going to be should be good. Five more weeks, so you guys stay tuned. We'll be giving updates on her progress and show day. Maybe we'll do something live, not live. We'll do something on location from Nevada and Vegas. Not live.
Speaker 2:Refuse to do live no editing involved. What about you, though, babe?
Speaker 1:GI issues had me sidelined for a little bit. What about you though, babe? Gi issues had me sidelined for a little bit so we'll probably plan something for the summer. Yeah, there's a lot of shows for Classic Physique in the tail end of the season.
Speaker 2:Maybe we can get one in together, yeah that'd be nice.
Speaker 1:Roland wants us to do that. Shout out to Muscle Factory, by the way.
Speaker 2:Definitely Great gym Muscle factory, by the way.
Speaker 1:Definitely Great gym. To begin, I thought it would be a good idea if we went through the different ways that we fought then versus how we fight now, so like in the beginning of our relationship, when we were younger, how we dealt with conflict, fun conflicts.
Speaker 2:And then now being together a lot longer, being older, wiser.
Speaker 1:And having learned a few things? Definitely yeah. How would you describe our fights early on, first couple years of marriage?
Speaker 2:We were pretty intense, like intensely in love.
Speaker 1:You know all the emotions were on high on 10.
Speaker 2:We loved hard and fought hard, yeah and I mean, I don't even know if I would say we fought hard, we just fought kind of out of control. It was like all over the place. And you know, we both come from different backgrounds with different needs and different love languages, and so I think that greatly affected our miscommunication and our arguing style, because I just was not like oh, that's my cardio alarm.
Speaker 1:You better get to your cardio Cardio alarms going off at six o'clock.
Speaker 2:With you. You needed space Okay, so we would argue and you maybe needed a cooling down period before we continued the argument.
Speaker 2:You would get really heated and you would need a minute. When we were young I didn't really understand that you needed that minute and I didn't understand why I wanted to resolve the conflict right away. Because it was like dire to me it was. It was. I know it was, but to me, if you understood, like my perspective and what was going on in my mind, I needed a quick resolve because of those deep-seated issues that I had within me that made me very uncomfortable. Having conflict or stress between us or any kind of wedge it made me feel very uncomfortable and on shaky ground.
Speaker 1:But like, what did we fight about? And I don't remember what it was, but I do know that it was caused by stress. So, looking at some of the reasons people fight, there was four categories, but one of the main category were biological and neurological responses. Under that was stress and cortisol. I was deployed a lot, so there was a lot of stress. It was a stressful time for us. So that can lead to arguments and conflicts, and bickering um money.
Speaker 2:I mean, we were young, we were teenagers, we didn't have any money.
Speaker 1:We were like paycheck to paycheck not not a lot of money but, yeah, but we didn't really fight over money issues no, no we didn't have a lot.
Speaker 2:But it was a stressor.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was a lot of stress.
Speaker 2:A lot of stress. I will say, our fighting style back then was you would really withdraw, you would not talk and you would shut down. I would ignore you For long periods of time. For me I would get super emotional, like just go off, you know, and it was just all over the place, out of control, saying things and just yelling, crying, all of that stuff, instead of just being calm and conveying our thoughts.
Speaker 2:So that's where we were yes right out of control yeah, no result sounds immature, immature yeah yeah for sure, and uh, somehow we were able to work through, even with that poor communication and even with the crazy fighting style we would make up, come back together, repair. But as time goes on, that kind of can wear on a relationship, so you really have to be working and improving. So what do you think we did to change it? To improve and make sure that we got better.
Speaker 1:I think there was a lot of self-awareness. It's taken a long time to get to that point, but I think one of the things is we learned better communication skills, a lot of therapy and we understood in our upbringings what role that played in how we acted, how we handled conflicts.
Speaker 2:That really required us taking a look at ourselves.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And I think that is such an important step to fighting fair, to communicating to everything is understanding why I act the way I do, why do I feel the way I do. So self-reflection and looking in and really, seeing where it stems from was important for us and it was huge.
Speaker 1:Yeah, to give you guys some background on our upbringing, tanisha was emancipated at 15.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I was emancipated at 15 years old. I became a legal adult because my mom was addicted to drugs.
Speaker 2:Cricket yeah, she was addicted to drugs from a very young age and it was like super sensitive for me. I, you know, wanted to always try and be patient and fix that relationship and unfortunately she just was never there. For me she was like in and out of prison. The only secure relationship I had was my grandparents. The only semi-normal relationship I had, and only real constant in my life, was my grandparents and they were my only uh example of normalcy.
Speaker 2:What about your father my dad never present, never present at all in and out of prison always. So I was really on my own a lot. My mom would go on like these binge bingers and be gone for days. No one to take me to school, you know um no one to like get me food things like that. I'd just literally be home alone.
Speaker 1:So is that where you got emancipated?
Speaker 2:at a certain point I was like okay, I have to get a job yeah like I I don't know why I hadn't to this day I can be like this. I had trouble like asking people for help and I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. That really bothered me, like I don't want anybody to feel for me and help me, like I'm fine. That's how I felt, like I can be, okay, I'm 15.
Speaker 1:I yeah.
Speaker 2:I can do this like I'll be okay, I'll just be a big girl, and so I. I don't even know how I did this like. I literally filed the paperwork everything on my own.
Speaker 1:There was no internet, so there was no.
Speaker 2:There was no internet, so but I do remember getting like help at the court office and so people were helpful yes, okay and um and the judge just I went to court by myself, no attorney yes okay and I got emancipated and I became a legal adult and I did this because I needed to work. Yeah, I needed to make money, I needed to take care of me, get an apartment you know, did she show up um? She was in and out of my life for a long time no to court.
Speaker 2:My mom didn't even show up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was like non-contested knowing that that kind of um helps you understand why you had those abandonment issues. Definitely, and anytime our fights, we're fighting um, and I might need some space. You are right there because you are probably thinking what like?
Speaker 2:here's yet another person that I should be able to count on that's going to leave. Okay well, this isn't going to last. Like, okay, well, he's going to leave. So then I start kicking into that self-preservation mode. Like, okay, well, I'm going to have to take care of me. And I start thinking it's like the end.
Speaker 1:Yeah, instead of thinking there's a solution.
Speaker 2:Like these fights felt like, well, this is probably the end, yeah, you know. And and then I go into these defensive modes because I have to protect myself yeah it's just a very unhealthy cycle, because those abandonment issues were so deep and I couldn't even see them at that time. It really took self reflection and and once I was able to identify that, that was a game changer.
Speaker 1:If you can identify it, it helps you understand who you are and why you're doing things that you're doing.
Speaker 2:And it can stop you from continuing to do it. Yes, yeah, continue to do it.
Speaker 1:So I can talk about my upbringing.
Speaker 1:I had two parents, but it was a very strict household. I'll say strict. Probably the majority of the black community, a lot of our households were strict households. But I learned watching both of my parents. Their arguments were usually one person dominating, one person with all the power determining how things went. So I kind of mimicked, mimic that, a lot of ignoring. There was days, you know if you were arguing and they were mad. There were days that went by when they didn't talk to each other. So I saw that and that's what I kind of mimicked. When I became 15, 20 years later, um, I'm in a relationship and that's what I'm doing, just because I guess it was. It was what I saw is what I knew, and then I don't want my kids to do that.
Speaker 2:So you got to break that cycle that's something I'm actually really proud of us, because we did the work there yeah and we did look inside at what is causing us to act this way when we're in arguments um, why are these? Are our responses our defaults and I feel like we are really great about talking to the kids about that and being transparent with them when we mess up when we make mistakes, because we want to acknowledge those things and we don't want to repeat those cycles.
Speaker 1:I don't want to see that for them. I want to see them have healthy relationships from the beginning, not struggle for 10 years and then Exactly.
Speaker 1:And I mean I made it like my life business to not repeat cycles I'm proud of you because I I did some of the same things that I saw and didn't like when I was young, but those I came to be that person and you, on the other hand, you had a mother that was never there, abandoned you, but you didn't do that. You are a great mother, so I am very proud of you, Thank you.
Speaker 2:I think it's really important, like I said, that we did that work and we looked inside, because I think that has been a major turning point for us Talking to each other better, understanding each other more and being able to reconnect after conflict and be closer, because now that you understand your behavior, you check yourself. Now that I understand mine, now that I understand your behavior.
Speaker 1:I understand when my default is to ignore you for two days. Your, your default is to think, to go back to abandonment and and what you need for that to combat that is for me to say, hey, I'm angry right now, but I'm not going anywhere, we're going to be okay, we'll get through this.
Speaker 2:I just need some time that you'd like is hit the nail on the head, because I think I told you this the other day, like we were having an argument and there was one time you said that and it literally that stuck with me and that has been so important to me because it helped me realize like our arguments aren't the end of the world he's not going anywhere.
Speaker 2:I'm not going anywhere. We're here to do the work. We love each other. Arguments are going to happen, we're going to work it through, but because of my abandonment issues, that was an affirmation that I needed in order for me to calm my mind, calm, calm my spirit and be able to just have a normal argument.
Speaker 1:And for me what people now call emotional abuse.
Speaker 2:You realize well, that kind of probably was emotional abuse that I grew up in, that you thought was normal, that I thought was normal, yeah, and mimic it I still have an iron mark on my arm to this day because popping off at the mouth when I was a teenager and she was iron, I got a little too close. And you thought that was like a normal punishment. I just thought that was normal. Yeah, no, you're not supposed to get burnt with an iron for talking back. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So self-reflection For sure.
Speaker 2:Therapy for us looked a little different than maybe for some people. For us we use like a lot of apps.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's some great apps out there, the paired app is an app we use that was so fun communication for a good, at least a year yes, check out the paired app y'all.
Speaker 2:That one, that one's a lot of fun as a couple, just to encourage like daily conversations communication yeah, and and kind of a good way to let your partner know maybe some needs you have, yeah, or you know just things you don't typically bring up.
Speaker 1:We use it after 20 years of marriage, but I think it would be awesome for newly married couples. And then there's the regain app counseling app for couples and better help for individuals.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, a lot of good ones out there, and that was kind of our form of therapy. I guess I'll say you know, just and and self-help books and reading and learning Getting help is is not a bad thing.
Speaker 1:I think in the Marine Corps I remember that was always that was a bad word, like to go see counseling a marriage counselor. That was you. Don't do that, yeah, because things, would you know, come to light and you'd get in trouble.
Speaker 1:Keep your business private, but I think getting counseling, getting professional help is kind of like when you take your car in for 60,000 mile checkup. Or 100,000 mile checkup, you don't have to go get help just because you know things are broke. A thousand mile checkup you don't have to go get help just because you know things are broke. If we're going on a load long road trip.
Speaker 2:You can take your car and hate and give it a once over attention to it. Great advice, actually. So, even if you're not like in a spot right now, where it's like it's do or die. We need counseling. Maybe you're in just a good spot or just a normal spot even in good times, you want to prompt new conversations and you know stay involved in each other's lives, stay excited about talking and you know bringing up new topics, and I think it's really good.
Speaker 1:Anything else you got to say about? Um no, I think how we fought.
Speaker 2:I think that gives everyone a little insight into why we fought the way we did. We realized that we had past trauma and we had past hurts and we were bringing them into our relationship and letting it affect us in a negative way. If you are getting into an argument with your spouse, right now or maybe you have something you really want to communicate to them, but it always ends up in an argument, a blow up. You know what are some practical tools that we can use so that we can communicate better?
Speaker 1:Perfect segue. Very good. Did you read the notes? Did you look at that I?
Speaker 2:always read your notes. I love it when you look at that.
Speaker 1:All right. So earlier in the episode we talked about giving you some practical tools for fighting fair and coming out stronger. Let's go over those. Okay, number one start with curiosity, not assumptions.
Speaker 2:Amen, I'm going to say it again Amen.
Speaker 1:Start with curiosity, not assumptions.
Speaker 2:Really let that soak in, because sometimes your partner will come out the mouth with whatever they feel is a good time and they're bringing it to you. This is like maybe it's a gripe, maybe it's whatever they need to talk about. And you hear it. It's not even off their tongue all the way yet and you're ready to pop back, or you're ready with body language like or the deep sigh, yes. But just try to resist that and have a little switch in your brain. This is a practical tool.
Speaker 1:Curiosity- Okay, what is it that my partner?
Speaker 2:needs right now? I'm curious.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:What do you need? I want to hear you. Okay, If you can make that little switch tool number one to already being received better.
Speaker 1:It takes you away from being defensive, that's right. You're not being received. It takes you away from being defensive. You're not being defensive, you're being. I'm on the same team. We have the same Jersey. Let me try and understand what it. What is it that you're bringing to me right now? What are we talking about? Instead of what, what are we talking?
Speaker 2:about? Yeah, what do you, what do you need? And hearing it as like they're attacking you? Yeah, personal attack, because, at the end of the day, whatever their issue is or your issue is, the end goal should be to find a resolve together.
Speaker 1:Yes, All right, so that was number one Start with curiosity not assumptions. Number two is also a big one. It's pause and breathe before responding. Love, love, love this one. So this is maybe taking timeouts we used to have early in our marriage. I don't know where we got this from, but we had the hug it out rule. We would get into arguments, which we probably did quite often. And we had a rule that we would stop and just hug.
Speaker 2:For 30 seconds. Yeah, you say 30. I thought it was 10. I remember it was 30 seconds, because the first few seconds I would just be annoyed. Yeah. I remember it was 30 seconds, because the first few seconds I would just be annoyed. But then all of a sudden you kind of melt into it and it's like, okay, this does kind of soften you up, Pause and breathe before responding Ours.
Speaker 1:You can take this. Please use this one because it was very helpful for us. We don't do it that much.
Speaker 2:The hug it out anymore.
Speaker 1:Hug it out. So 30 seconds. I say it's 10.
Speaker 2:Tanisha says 30. 10 is like nothing, 30 probably is better.
Speaker 1:So hug it out for 30 seconds. No half-ass hugging, Literally both hands hugging body contact and no talking. You're totally quiet and let your mind just stop. Just hug it out and just feel your person.
Speaker 2:I think that's excellent advice. There are some people who that's going to be a whole other thing that they need therapy for, because they don't want to be touched right then or whatever so it's a rule. If that doesn't work for you, at the very least use the tool to pause. Yes, no, hug it out, he thinks. Hug for sure.
Speaker 1:Pause, pause for good. And here's the reason. Here's no, hug it out, he thinks hug for sure Pause pause for good, and here's the reason here's the science behind when you're doing that, not just touch, that's a whole different, but that's also scientific too.
Speaker 1:But there are parts of the brain that deal with feelings and fear and emotion. Those are involuntary, okay, okay. And then there's parts of the brain in the frontal lobe that deals with critical thinking. That's voluntary. You have to think. I have to tap into that. So by pausing, you're not using your amygdala, you're giving your critical thinking time to engage so you can say, okay, was this really important? Is this going to be important in five days, in five weeks, in five years? It's not.
Speaker 2:So you mean it's like disarming you? It's disarming you Instead of allowing an immediate defensive response. It's allowing you to disarm and to think logically and respond calmly.
Speaker 1:To not let your involuntary reflexes get engaged, but to think about it critically. So that's a good one. Pause and breathe before responding.
Speaker 2:Pause and breathe. I love that. I think that is a really big one for you and I, because we said in the last episode we're big on interrupting and talking over just as a whole in our family. So pausing and, you know, waiting to respond. I think that's huge.
Speaker 1:Okay. Number three is use I statements instead of you or you always you never. How about I feel, or I felt angry when you did this or that will help disarm the defensiveness and then you can get into a resolution.
Speaker 2:I agree, instead of saying like you never hang out with me and we don't get time together and I want quality time then what I could say is I feel like we're not getting enough quality time together and I'm I'm feeling sad about that and I would really like if you would spend some more time with me and you know we can find a solution, and that lets your partner know like, oh she, I might think we're spending enough time, but she feels a little hurt or like we're not, so let's work on it okay, that was good.
Speaker 1:Um. Number four seek shared solution. Uh, this goes to our what we talked about in episode one, team mindset. If we are truly a team, if we are one, then there should be a resolution that works for the both of us. It's not always going to be something that I'm fine with and you're always giving in, so it should be seek a shared solution.
Speaker 2:I agree. I definitely think that we were lacking that in the early years, because it was like one person would get their way the majority of the time. I think that can create some resentment.
Speaker 1:I was going to say that's not sustainable at all Eventually you're going to look up like what am I doing? What's yeah?
Speaker 2:I think seeking shared resolutions is an amazing tool. And also this opens your mind up to your partner's needs, because maybe, maybe, you're being selfish.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:You know, sometimes we can get that way in a relationship. You and I have both been selfish, and there's times we need to stop and be like. This is not just about me. Like you said, team mindset. This is a partnership, and your needs are important to me. Your needs are as important as my needs, and it is very important that those are met as well as it is very important that my needs are met, and so seeking those shared resolutions shows that we're committed to each other.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And that we care about each other's feelings. We're committed to each other, yes, and that we care about each other's feelings. People need to know that you don't just care about your feelings and a resolve for you and how you feel all right number five end with appreciation or reaffirmation okay, whose is this? This one's, yours, this one's yours uh thinking abandonment issues.
Speaker 1:yeah, if, if we're, if after a fight or during a fight, I'm reaffirming that we're good, we're just. This was a hard day. This was a hard day.
Speaker 2:I love you. I love you and tomorrow's going to be better. I think those things are important. It reminds people like, okay, there's light at the end of the tunnel, and that also comes back to conflict and connection. That creates connection. Connection when you tell me like hey, I'm really upset about today. It was hard to get through this argument. You know I'm feeling away about this, but I love you. We're. We're gonna take the steps to work through this or whatever.
Speaker 2:That is a connection that creates that connection again. Because when you leave off, storming out of the room, not dealing with something acting a fool, raising your voice and screaming at the top of your lungs, all of these things create that wedge and these create distance. Yes, then you don't want to touch the person, you don't want to look at the person, you want space from the person. So if you can end that conflict, like he said, with a reaffirmation, then you really are doing the work towards staying connected.
Speaker 1:I want to state that all of these are work. They're practical tools, but this is work. This is hard work. It's not easy.
Speaker 2:And, honestly, you know even the stage of our marriage that we're at. This is something that we are still working, these steps and I don't always feel like doing all these things.
Speaker 1:This is something that we are still working, these steps, and I will tell you, I don't always feel like doing all these things.
Speaker 2:It's marriage and relationships are work, but I will tell you it's worth.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:It's worth every bit of it, because you know there'll be these hard days, but there's so many good days and so many good things. If you can learn to communicate well, it'll make everything much smoother.
Speaker 1:We gave five practical tools for fighting fear and coming out stronger. But for those nerds that want extra credit, we have two more six, finding the right time and place for hard conversations, time and place.
Speaker 2:I think this one's yours that okay, I will say I am one of those people who I just have to spill and tell you like what's on my mind. It's hard for me to like hold it for an hour a day or whatever, so sometimes I am definitely guilty of starting a conversation at the wrong time and not vibing out like maybe At the wrong time, yeah.
Speaker 1:And not vibing out like maybe it can be hard if it's the end of the night and I have something I want to tell you. That may be seen as a gripe or a complaint and it might not be the right time, because you had a horrible day and you just want to go to sleep and I'm like it's really nagging at me that I want to talk about this, but I'm going to hold on to it because it is not the right time.
Speaker 1:I will go to sleep with that I don't know that you always can do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're right, I struggle there, so that's something I could definitely work on is the right time and right place. However, I will say and I guarantee a lot of people can identify with me on this is like when you have a busy life and it's like we go to the gym, okay, you go to work, I'm working, kids are at school, kids are home.
Speaker 1:They're running circles around us. There's not a lot of time.
Speaker 2:I don't get a lot of time to just have like those quiet talks with you, because I can't have clearly I can't have that conversation while the kids are there yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's like here we are, it's the end of the night, probably not the best time, but it's some of the only alone time, so that can be kind of difficult. So how do you suggest? If it's like the end of the night, you're about to get into bed and you really want to have a good, nice evening with your person, but you have some things you want to discuss are you?
Speaker 1:are you talking about, like, when you want to have sex with me and you wait to have and you wait to have a conversation? I don't feel like doing anything now. You should have just waited until after, and then you could have.
Speaker 2:That's not what she meant. I mean, yeah, that too, but what I'm saying is what is your suggestion to somebody who, like, is trying to find the right time to have these conversations? But they are really busy like that. Kids are always around.
Speaker 1:Person's always at work, you schedule it. I don't know, sounds pretty corporate, but they could say, hey, I need to have a conversation with you when would be a good time, like just ask, yeah, when would be a good time?
Speaker 2:if you're like me, that creates anticipation. I'm like, just tell me just tell me like what, what is going on?
Speaker 1:Nope, I'm going to stop everything. Let's talk about it, but there's that so how do you suggest for you?
Speaker 2:then, If I have something that I want to discuss with you and because I'm the way I am, that can work, Tell me hey there's something I want to discuss.
Speaker 1:I'm probably going to tell you let's talk about it now. But if it is a bad time, I might say say I can't not right now, I don't want to.
Speaker 2:I don't want to deal with anything heavy, nothing more. Okay, I'm going, I'm gonna put that one in my back pocket and I'll work on that and then the last one is avoid bringing up the past.
Speaker 1:So if you are having a conflict, if you're fighting about x, y and z, don't bring up a, b and c right now. That happened two weeks ago or last week. Not that you don't need to address unresolved items, but just if. If you're fighting, if if you're focusing on one thing, then focus on that one thing. That's.
Speaker 2:That's the point yeah, I agree, I don't. I also don't think you should ever bring up past issues as ammunition. It's going to make your person feel like they can't be vulnerable with you, they can't be honest with you, that they're going to always have something hung over their head. So I really strongly suggest that you take time to work your issues all the way through so that you don't have to continue to bring them up and harp on them. That can be really damaging to a relationship as well.
Speaker 1:Okay, Well, those were our seven. Five plus two bonus, our seven practical tools for fighting fair and coming out stronger. We challenge you to use them in your next fight and hopefully they benefit you.
Speaker 2:If you are listening to the podcast and you're like, okay, these are excellent tools. I'm going to use these tools, but my partner like they're not watching this podcast with me? They're not you know, jotting down notes and getting these tools with me. So how am I going to improve us fighting fair or our communication style if my person is not also using the tools?
Speaker 1:even though you're not. I mean, it would immensely help if both of you were looking at this and going over hey, we're going to try these seven tips the next time we get in the fight. But even if it was just you let's say I wasn't watching cynic meets sunshine, and just you were if you were to do these seven things, it would help the conflict right, even though it's one side so, first of all, I highly suggest that you get your partner in on the podcast.
Speaker 2:There you go, there you go, and you communicate at the right time and the right place and you say listen, I really think that we can improve our communication and that we can fight better and we can stay connected.
Speaker 2:I would love if you work these tools with me and we try this together. However, if you have a partner right now who is a little resistant, I agree with Andre. I think that he's totally joking. I think that you, like he said, you can still be successful using these tools, because if it was just me using this and I'm having an argument with Andre but I take a minute when he's griping to stop and be curious what is, what is his concern or his problem right now? Then I pause before I respond, instead of popping back and being defensive. I'm calm, I deployed these tools. It's going to affect the way he responds and it's going to immediately affect the way he feels heard.
Speaker 1:I'm going to notice a difference. I'm like something's changed.
Speaker 2:And so it will have an indirect effect for sure, definitely so, even if you have a partner who is not working the tools with you just yet. I bring this up just to say stay encouraged, because ideally you need two people working at this to make it work, but sometimes somebody has to start it off, somebody has to be the one to get the ball rolling and hopefully, if that's your situation, you use these tools and your partner starts to get on board and it changes their response towards you. So that kind of wraps up what we wanted to discuss today. Hopefully those tools are helpful.
Speaker 1:like I said, I cannot wait to hear from you guys I want to know if you use them, if they helped, if they didn't help, if you have more suggestions, send our message at TanishaMeet at CynicMeetsSunshinecom or our IG, yep, cynicmeetssunshine.
Speaker 2:YouTube YouTube, I mean we absolutely loved hearing from you guys.
Speaker 1:And then be back next week. What are we talking about next week? We're talking about commitment, commitment, talking about commitment. Uh, maybe some date night stuff, when you yeah, yeah, that's always fun.
Speaker 2:I definitely want to touch on that because you had cited in one of our first posts, for cynic meets sunshine, um divorce percentage yes and what was the top cited reason commitment, not being committed, lack of commitment. So I think that'll be a really fun one to talk about and we can give some good tips there started.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes, thank you guys for joining. Y'all have a great day.
